Early this year, my Ph.D. scholarship ran out. The Ph.D. was, however, far from done. I was in a state of confusion - should I focus solely on completing my thesis? Or should I look for a job alongside? Or should I fully focus on first finding a job? The reason for this confusion was simple - I (thought) I needed money to support my family. Accordingly, I decided to do both - my Ph.D. as well as job hunting. As time went by, the only job that came my way was a small part time one, which barely covered my daughter's day care expenses.
As the weeks rolled past, my feelings ranged from impatience to frustration. It was not the first time in my life that I was jobless. But it was the first time that I felt a complete and total sense of lack. I felt lack not just of money, but of time, of patience, of good health, of energy, of ideas.... Slowly and unknowingly, my entire consciousness was turning into what can be termed the "lack consciousness."
I was convinced that the reason I was feeling so much lack was because now (unlike ever before) I needed to support not just myself, but also a family. I wrote several letters as part of the job hunting process. I also wrote several letters to Guruji. I explained this feeling of lack to him: I was aware that I felt lack, but I also felt that it was totally justified. I did indeed need more!
Early last month, my bank balance hit zero. That same week, I was offered an adjunct faculty position. I also received a long overdue travel refund which brought in three times the amount I thought it would bring. I was relieved. But somehow, that deep seated knowledge that I have enough and more will come, was not coming back into my heart. Event after event in my life tried to remind me of the abundance that surrounds me: despite having no proper income, money was flowing in from various sources - expected and unexpected. We had the best food, the best clothes, a beautiful apartment, the best gadgets. We had been blessed with a spot for Meera in a most inexpensive day care with the most loving staff. Whats more, we've hardly ever needed to spend any money on Meera's clothes and toys - she has always received the most extravagant gifts - the best food, the coolest clothes, the cutest stuffed toys. I had no reason to feel lack. But I felt it. I wanted to contribute (more) towards running my family.
Finally, this feeling of lack started bothering me. I realized that it was affecting my thinking and my actions. It was surely affecting my entire being! Although my intellect kept telling me that it was justified, my heart longed to feel that confident contentment again.
As it happened, we couldn't meet Sri Sri - he walked straight to the Satsang and said he would meet us all later. At the end of the satsang, I was drawn towards a row of people all waiting to greet Sri Sri as he left the hall. While my husband and Meera stood back, I joined the row and realized that I was holding "Shiva" in my hand. I wondered whether Sri Sri would bless it for Meera, but thinking that it would be totally stupid to make him bless a stuffed animal, I did not hold it up. A few moments later, Sri Sri came by and without even looking at me, came right towards the sheep, snatched it out of my hand, and walked on! That very instant, my husband came running towards me with a crying Meera in his arms - she wanted Shiva! I ran after Guruji with my husband and Meera right behind me. But we couldn't catch him. It was really late and we wanted to drive back to Munich the same night. So we decided that Meera would just have to get over it and we left.
In the car, Meera once again asked for "Shiva". This time, on being reminded that "Shiva" was now with Gurji, she said - "Ah! OK... We can buy a new one for me then." She was quite happy and did not ask for "Shiva" again. But I was not able to let go of the incident. I kept wondering why Guruji had snatched the toy away from me even though I was clearly not giving it to him. If there is one thing I am certain of, it is this: the actions of a Satguru are never without meaning. They are never careless and they are never a mistake. I told myself that maybe because Meera had earlier intended to give "Shiva" to him, he may have sensed this intention and taken it from me. But this answer did not completely satisfy me.
I spent all of the remaining weekend feeling strangely quiet and "empty." This morning, I woke up at 4am. I still felt this strange emptiness. I sat down to work on my thesis and the thoughts flowed out effortlessly. I started feeling light and happy. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I remembered a saying from the bible that Guruji quotes often: "Whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them." Tears rolled down my eyes as I realized that in snatching away 'Shiva', Guruji had re-established that feeling of abundance in my heart.
Today's abundant recipe: Kerala Style Vegetable Stew
Ingredients:
1/2 cup green peas
2 large carrots - cut into medium sized squares
2 potatoes - cut into medium sized squares
20 - 25 green beans - cut into three pieces each
1 cup watery coconut milk
1 cup thick coconut milk
1 tablespoon cooking oil
Salt to taste
Fresh spices:
Head of 1 or 2 spring onions - chopped
1.5 inch piece of ginger - grated
1 or 2 small green chillies - chopped (optional)
10 - 15 fresh curry leaves
Dry Spices
4 cloves - gently crushed
1/2 tsp whole black peppar - gently crushed
1 small piece of whole cinnamon - gently crushed
2 - 3 green cardamoms - gently crushed
Method
In a large non-stick frying pan, warm up the oil. Add the chopped spring onions and stir till light brown. Reduce the flame/heat to minimum and add the dry spices. Stir for 1 minute. Add the ginger, green chillies and curry leaves. Stir for another 15-20 seconds. Add all the chopped vegetables. Stir well till the spices are well combined with the vegetables. Add the watery coconut milk, place the lid on the pan and cook on medium heat for 8-10 minutes. Add the thick coconut milk and salt, stir, close the lid again and cook on low flame for another 5-7 minutes. Serve immediately with lemon rice or plain white Basmati rice or Appams.
Note: To separate the watery and thick coconut milk from a can of coconut milk, let the can cool in the refrigerator for a few hours. Remove the can from the refrigerator ensuring that you do not stir or shake the can. Open the can and carefully drain out the liquid on top (which should be the thick or solidified coconut milk) into a cup. The remaining liquid is the watery coconut milk.
