But surprise (or should I say a wave of dullness!) was in store for me. When I landed in New Orleans, and in the small house where the volunteers were living, I felt completely out of place! Not because the group was not welcoming - they were very warm and welcoming... but somehow, I was at a complete loss as to how I could contribute. Everyone else was the picture of dynamism and had an endless flow of ideas and energy. All I wanted to do was sleep - all the time! For a while I thought that this was because I was new to the place and they had perhaps been there for months. But this was not the case at all - almost everyone on the team had arrived in New Orleans over the course of the same week in which I had - some even arrived later!
I truly cannot explain how useless I felt amidst that group of people! Where was the bubbling energy, confidence and enthusiasm I felt just a few days ago? I was ready to conquer the whole world! And now..... :( The days dragged on... I felt like nothing but a piece of heavy baggage that the group had to drag along with them everywhere they went. I started wondering why Emily had invited me in the first place! I kept thinking "this group doesn't need me! They are complete and super powered in themselves!" I sat around trying to smile and pretend to be enthusiastic. But it was no use! I soon felt that the team could sense my lack of energy and utter uselessness!
Finally, the efforts of the team started bearing fruit - we found a venue and the first trauma relief workshop was organized to start the following evening. As we drove to the venue in the morning to help set it up, I fell asleep (as usual) in the car. When I woke up, I could see Emily looking at me out of the corner of her eye as she drove the car - her eyes full of love and compassion. I asked her "I don't know why I am feeling so sleepy and dull all the time! The energy of this place is so heavy (for me)!" Emily said in her loving way "yes, the city atmosphere is dull because its people are shocked and in low spirits." I didn't say anything at the time, but wondered - "why am I the only one seemingly consumed by this dull energy while the rest of the team seems untouched!?" Other thoughts started bombarding my dejected brain - "maybe I have been too far away from knowledge and this high energy group during the one year of my LL.M. I have lost that subtle Prana and Shakti that is needed to do this kind of service work!" Almost as if she was reading my thoughts, Emily said kindly, "don't worry - you will feel better after the workshop!"
Although I did feel my prana go up a trace after the first session of the workshop, the next morning, the dullness had returned with a big bang! Even after the long morning breathing and meditation (during which I felt I was only sleeping!) :P I felt dull and heavy and useless! One of the team members picked up Sri Sri's book titled "Celebrating Silence" at the end of our morning meditation and read a page selected randomly (as always). My dull brain could not understand most of the beautiful knowledge that was being read... But suddenly, close to the end of the knowledge sheet, a phrase that was read ever so softly, touched me deep in my heart: "...your presence is enough."
Don't ask me the context, for I don't remember. But tears started rolling out of my eyes. The sense of being useless lifted off my mind. I felt a rush of freshness and a true smile dawned in my heart. That day, I offered myself for all the small things that were going on - chopping vegetables, cooking and spicing the food for the volunteers, cleaning the house and the venue - just anything that I saw anyone else doing, I just offered to do it with them. During the second session of the workshop, I shared my own life experiences with enthusiasm. Just that one phrase had shifted something in me.
When it was time to go back to New York, I felt a lot lighter and happier. But my intellect still nagged a little - it was still hung on the question of whether or not my presence was really needed there... But my ego dared not ask. Several months later, however, when I met Emily again, I found the courage to share with her my feelings about my time in New Orleans. Emily listened to me patiently and said, "Mrinalini, you have no idea how inspiring it was for the team that a dynamic, successful young person who has her life in perfect order wanted to come and join the relief efforts even for a short time. Indeed your saying yes and actually coming there moved many things in our own minds." Indeed, I had heard that a large group of youth came to New Orleans after I left and stayed for several weeks to organize a large number of trauma relief and stress management workshops for the victims of Katrina as well as for groups that were volunteering their help in the region. Indeed, my presence had been enough! :)
It has now been almost 10 years since this episode. I never managed to locate the knowledge sheet from which this beautiful phrase was read... But it doesn't matter :) because every time I start wondering whether I am needed in any place; whether I am truly useful to any service project, when I start comparing my apparent skills and capacities with those of other volunteers, I remember this phrase. It is a privilege and an honor to even want to help out - it is said that even the desire to engage in service is part of our good karma. Once we have this wish, and once we have this opportunity, our presence is enough! :)
Today's 'Present' recipe
Chocolate-Date-CocoNUT laddoos
Ingredients
15-18 large Medjool dates (remove the skin and the seeds)
3 tablespoons raw unsweetened chocolate powder
3 tablespoons grated coconut (fresh or dry)
2-3 tablespoons crushed almonds and other nuts (not peanuts)
Method
Chop the dates into small pieces and place them in the large pan. Add all the other ingredients in knead till well mixed. Make small round balls and place on a beautiful tray. Serve immediately with hot ginger-lemon tea :)
