When a heart breaks, it becomes divine…

Several years ago, I read the book “God loves fun” by Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. It was, at that time, an unusual read for a young restless law student like me. Nevertheless, one line from it touched my heart deeply while leaving my intellect completely confused… “When a bud breaks, it becomes a flower. When a heart breaks, it becomes divine.” How can a broken heart become divine?

The last two years have been a series of unbelievable and incredibly painful experiences for me – a broken personal relationship with a wonderful and caring person that had lasted over 7 years, a bitterly broken professional relationship with a person who has been my most trusted mentor for over 9 years, friendships turned into distrust before they could even mature, shocked numbness at being groundlessly blamed by those I thought to be my closest friends and family, newer relationships seeped in deep gratitude and respect, but with uncertain futures, incredible fears that my daughter would be taken away from me… the list is endless, but all leading to one thing – a severely and repeatedly broken heart.

With this broken heart, first came an unending river of tears, then a barrage of bitterness, a phase of utter delusion, followed by a completely shattered confidence and a feeling of endless dejection and worthlessness. Indeed, I can understand now, the intensity of feelings that could be responsible for driving people to suicide. I lost faith and confidence, not only in myself, but also in society as a whole.

If there was one thing that kept me going forward through this whole time was my daily yoga and meditation practice and the support and comfort I drew from the knowledge and wisdom given by truly enlightened souls like Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. Indeed, I recognized and experienced at a new level, the true value of this ancient but ever fresh knowledge and practices. And so, I persevered.

After several years, I took quality time out for my daughter and myself. We travelled far and wide, to Singapore, Bali, India, USA – to many spiritual sojourns, meditation and yoga workshops, temples and churches, talks on ancient wisdom (especially the Vignan Bhairav series – “Unveiling Infinity”). After each trip, those who had a small idea of what I was going through told me that I look lesser and lesser stunned and more and more happy. Indeed, I also felt that way, slowly but surely. Yet, every now and then, the old memories would come up with incredible strength and take over my entire consciousness. But the nature of the pain had shifted – from being a victim, I felt like the aggressor. I felt deep and intense pain that I too had unknowingly hurt many people, including those I loved most. And so, I persevered.

I dug deeper into my soul and my being, spent more quality time in meditation and contemplated on what it was that drove me and what was the purpose of my life. A brand new set of heartfelt feelings started to emerge – a prayer that everyone on this Earth be happy. That those I felt had wronged me, not feel guilty or hurt – that they too find peace and happiness within themselves. These feelings were so intense sometimes, that I could hardly contain their energy within me. With a fully broken heart, for the first time in my life, an incredible softness was dawning in my being. A true vulnerability that I sometimes fought hard to resist. I was not sure if I was fully open to everything that life wanted to bring to me – especially the pain and the heartbreak. But somehow, I had the energy and the will to persevere. To see what lay at the other end of the tunnel that life had brought me to.

Thanks to some wonderful friends, I got into new hobbies – blockchain and astrology – strange combination, yes! With these new hobbies, I gained a lot of new wisdom and knowledge… and also lost a lot of money!  These together also brought me to newer levels of understanding of human and spiritual existence: every human being and indeed every event was here to help us grow. Everyone is simply playing a role that even they themselves don’t know they are playing, and in the process, bringing to me, at every step, an opportunity to choose love and compassion over anger and frustration. To use every opportunity to be patient, while also having the willingness to put 100% and more to what I believe in.

What I struggled with most, however, was my shattered confidence in myself. From being the bundle of (over)confidence, enthusiasm, energy and dynamism that I prided myself to be, I became an overly cautious person that I couldn’t recognize or come to terms with. I was thinking 10+ times before taking any action, was constantly afraid of hurting others and myself, unsure and afraid that an “insensitive” or “untimely” action would unfold another tsunami of grief, misery, fear and uncertainty. But a thin ray of light was starting to emerge in the dark tunnel – a new interest in life, a new set of research ideas, a new found interest in contributing to the world and to bringing the most marginalized segments of global society into the mainstream and helping the poorest in the world recognize their true strength and potential. In my lowest time, my commitment to my spiritual practices served me with the strength and love to forge forward with my biggest dreams. In this time, I conceived several research projects, one of which was so large (much larger perhaps, even than my own life), that I felt it had to be the purpose I was born to serve in this lifetime.

I faced several rounds of rejection, disinterest and ridicule. After most of the time available to write a funding application to get the research and innovation action rolling was over, finally, one by one, partner after partner, expert after expert, support after support, that was necessary to conduct the mammoth research project I had conceived of, starting joining the vision. I was amazed and humbled by the strength of commitment that this incredible consortium showed towards compiling the research plan and grant application. In a record 4 weeks, with some partners joining just one week before the application deadline, we compiled an application for funding for what is most certainly the world’s most complex and demanding funding agency.

After several nights of little to no sleep, no food, one-pointed attention to this one goal, with an aching and shaking body, and a truly helpless mind, as I pressed the “send” button on the application website, I felt a few moments of complete and total stillness. The exhaustion lead to several more rounds of uncontrollable tears – of pain, of anxiety, but also, of gratitude. My faith in people and society was returning. Peace, and a willingness to face the uncertainty that is an inevitable part of life, replaced the unnatural blanket of “confidence” that I usually wrapped around myself.

My broken heart had given me a glimpse of infinity, a glimpse of being connected to the ONE and to all. It had given me a glimpse of me.

Today's heartfelt recipe: Summer Rolls

These are my daughter's favorite - she can eat them day in and day out, every day!

Ingredients:

Large sized summer roll rice papers - these are a little different from the rice paper available for fried spring rolls(available in any Asian store and in several Indian stores

Ingredients

Cook lightly:
1 Tbs coconut oil or regular cooking oil
3 medium sized carrots - chopped into long thin slices (not too long!)
250 grams of firm Tofu - cut into cubes
2 spring onions - cut into rounds.

Beat up in a blender:
1/3 cup coconut milk (optional)
1 handful of Peanuts
1/2 inch ginger - grated
2 Tbs soya sauce
2 tbs sweet chillie sauce

Seperately serve in individual bowls:
2 large handfuls of sprouts (any of your liking or mixed)
1 buschel of fresh coriander leaves - washed and thick stems removed
1 buschel of fresh mint leaves - washed and thick stems removed
1 cucumber - cut into very thin long slices
150 grams of rice noodles - well cooked

Dipping sauce
Sweet chillie sauce
OR
Beat up in a high speed blender- 1/2 cup of coconut milk, 1 handful of peanuts, 4 tbs of sweet chillie sauce, salt to taste and 1/2 inch fresh ginger. Cook on low heat for 2 minutes. Serve in a separate bowl.

Summer roll rice papers - 10

Method

Heat the coconut oil in a non stick pan and addthe tofu - fry till light brown, add the spring onions, saute for 2 minutes, add the carrots and fry for 2-3 minutes. Beat up the coconut milk, peanuts, ginger, soy sauce and sweet chillie sauce in the high speed blender. Pour the mix into the fried carrot, spring onion and tofu mix - cook for 4-5 minutes. Set aside.

Serve out all the other ingredients in separate bowls.

Take a large bowl and fill it with warm water. Take a rice paper and dip it into the warm water - all of the rice paper must soak in the water for 5-7 seconds. Take the wet rice paper and place it on a plate. Put in the cooked carrot-tofu mix, add a little bit of all other ingredients (a few pieces of cucumber, a few leaves of coriander and mint, some noodles...) now roll the paper from one end to make a summer roll with all ingredients wrapped in. Serve with the dipping sauce on the side. Enjoy!